What do Amy Winehouse and Anders Behring Breivik have in common?
They had planned to meet up on that bloody little Norwegian island over the third weekend of July and make babies. Anders had written in his diary, "If she (Amy) doesn't show up she knows what will happen. it will be the end of America as we know it.'
And we know that she never made it.
Anders slowly became very, very angry when he received the text message from his Little Whiner on the Friday.
SORRY, CANT COME. GOING TO PARTY WITH JENS. A XXX
Jens is the Labour prime minister of Norway.
Before he had realised it Anders was on his way to China where he very easily did the necessary to arrange for a tragic train accident. He was sure this would throw the FBI off his tracks while he prepared for his ultimate act of love.
Back in Oslo he quickly put together a very powerful car bomb using the fertiliser he had amassed over the past months.
Knowing that one day it would come to this the cunning blond Anders had set up a bio farm a few months earlier but the blond had taken over the day he placed a standing order for 6 tons of Monsanto's best explosive fertiliser. Fortunately for him the CIA would not investigate this until two years later after the Amy/Anders Truth Seekers had started to make a dent in the public consciousness.
As Mr Breivik was DIYing the bomb that was to shake the heart of Oslo and kill his arch enemy, the Muslim loving Jens Stoltenberg, his mercurial mind was writing the horrific scenario that was to take place on idyllic Utoeya island where a group of young Islamics disguised as blond-haired, blue-eyed Scandinavians were going to be plotting the Ultimate Takeover of the World.
He wasn't very good at shooting; his friends had mocked how he couldn't even hit a stuffed elk at twenty paces, but he knew God would be guiding his hands and eyes.
"Fucking Amy Goodman..." he mumbled to himself as he counted out the 98 bullets he would be using to start the Norwegian Revolution. Luckily Amy Goodman was in Manhattan visiting with Juan Gonzales - it was his daughter's birthday - and would narrowly escape the massacres that were soon to be happening throughout the civilised world.
"The Chinese train wreck, explosion in the political heart of Oslo and the blood bath on the island should be enough to distract everyone while I go to Hampstead and do my real job. And it will be all over the Sunday papers, especially The News of the World... Oh, fuck! Fucking, bloody Murdoch... You're next, mate."
And so, after carrying out the Norwegian Twin Attacks (Not twin in that the two attacks were identical, no, just twin in the fact that it makes you think of the Twin Towers, Muslims and terrorism) he deftly removed his police officer disguise - hired from a fancy dress shop once belonging to Kate Middleton's father - and slipped into England, to London, to Amy Winehouse's flat where he took his revenge, giving the neoconservatives a few minutes out of the spotlight to pass the bill that would be the end of America as we know it.
Of course, I am not telling you anything you don't know.
Sources: Voice of America
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